Hectic Friday!

Well yesterday was amusing i suppose haha. Lets start from the beginning...

Thursday i went over to a mates house and when we were messing around i banged my head really hard when i slumped down onto a chair. That night i found it really painful when i moved in my sleep and when i turned my head i would get sharp pains and the feeling like someone was kicking me in the head. I honestly thought nothing of it and just left it because it was clearly bruised.

Friday came along and my head was pretty sore. I had a small headache and felt a bit light headed, but i thought that it was because i had just got out of bed. I went over to my friends house again. Throughout the day my head got worse and worse. I felt weak and occasionally got a bit dizzy. When i was at the station that evening i stumbled a bit from my balance being off and a girl gave me a complete dirty stare, clearly thinking i was drunk! When i got off the train mum picked me up and i started crying as the pain had become unbearable. The pain was making me feel so sick, so she took me to Deal hospital. The nurse asked LOADS of questions and then checked my blood pressure which was raised and so was my tempreture. So the nurse had a feel of my head and neck and noticed i had some pain at the top of my spine. That was that.... I was rushed to a bed to lay myself on and put a neck brace on. I wasn't allowed to move at all. An ambulance had been rung to take me to Margate hospital. Because i wasn't their first priority i could of been waiting for 4 hours for the ambulance. About 2 hours went past of waiting with me strapped down to a table, mum and dad finally decided to take me in the car instead as i wasn't even on the waiting list for the ambulance yet. When i got up from the table i felt like i needed to collapse. I was so weak and my vision was blurry. It felt like i was drunk. My head was killing me and my neck now hurt from the stupid neck brace.

We arrived at Margate hospital where i had to wait another hour in a lot of pain. It was awful as a little boy kept running around laughing then crying and messing around with plug sockets. Then a guy accidentally dropped hot chocolate everywhere haha bless him.

When i was finally seen, i was checked over again and again and was explained that i had a mild concussion and whiplash! i was like oh dear haha. Now im basically relying on pain killers to get rid of the pain. My sister rang up saying 'What happened!?' I bet she was trying to diagnose me as she is training to be a nurse.

I'm so glad i am okay. I was really worried that there might of been something wrong with my spine. I'm feeling a lot better since yesterday but still a bit dizzy and still some bad headaches and neck pain. Things will get back to normal soon enough :)

Is change really that bad?

People say that change is the demon, but is it really? Change can mean many things. Maybe a new job or losing a job, perhaps a new relationship or a change in yourself or friends.

I admit some changes are for the worst, a partner leaving you or being diagnosed with an illness or a friend leaving your life. When i became ill with Depression i thought that it would be the worst thing that has happened to me, it has been horrible, but actually it has helped me in a lot of ways. I found out who my real friends are and i became so much closer to them. It has helped me try and fight for things that matter to me. Having depression has made me change so much. It's like i had to grow up quicker than everyone else. It changed me and some people didn't like the changes. Those people are no longer in my life. I am who i am and i can't help it if something like that changes me. It's bound to change anyone and their views on things. It's a hard thing to go through but i'm making my way there.

A change which has helped me a lot was when my boyfriend left me. That made me realise how much i depended on him. Now he is gone i have been able to become more independent. I do still rely on my friends a lot but that's only because they are like my anti-depressant. Life will get better for me. I just need to accept what i have and that my future will probably be amazing :)

Depression Takes Over

What is depression? Can you really call it an illness? Well everyone I know says it's a mental illness. I would of thought that it would be easy to get out of because it's all to do with your mental state of mind, but god was i wrong.

I got diagnosed with depression about 5 months ago. I thought to myself, 'oh well it will be gone soon enough'. I was completely wrong. I got put on anti-depressants (Citalapram) and the first month was the worst i had ever experienced. I got quite ill from the pills and had some side effects such as difficulties breathing and really high anxiety. They say that anti-depressants make you feel worse before you get better, that is completely true. I was down constantly and crying everyday. I didn't want to get out of bed at all, didn't want to move, didn't want to talk. All i wanted to do was curl up in my bed and never wake up. I thought to myself everyday, 'why the hell is this happening to me'.

A couple more months went past and i didn't seem to be getting any better. I had some counselling too which i got from college. The counselling was nice because i got to let everything out, but i never found out the reason for why i have become like this. When i went back to my doctors they decided to up my dosage from 10mg to 20mg. Once i started taking the higher dosage i started to get more side effects, i had some really bad skin problems where i would become so itchy that i would scratch so much that it would rip my skin off. I also still have a side effect which is where i over heat a lot and end up sweating when really it's cold. It's horrible, but i suppose i have to live with it at the moment.

I do feel a bit better than what i used to but i still feel empty, i still cry a lot and i still feel hopeless. I just want to get better because i want to get on with my life. I'm writing this blog because i want to come to terms with my illness. I still can't believe it happened to me. it makes me isolate myself from everyone else and sometimes makes me push people away when i really don't want to. I hate my breakdowns. They are the worst. Luckily recently i haven't had any bad breakdowns compared to my old ones where i would just scream and cry and feel so emotionless and empty.

I am really trying hard to overcome my depression but it is hard when i keep trying to fight it. It's hard to think positive and hard to motivate yourself. My grades suffered last year because of my depression and that is no excuse.

Now all i want to do is get better and get on with my life. And hopefully soon i will be able to do that. I am getting more counselling soon and have loads of my friends who have supported me and been by my side the whole time. I thank them so much. It has been a tough year for me, but i really hope it gets better from now on :)

A big pessimist.

I've always seen the glass as half empty instead of half full. I always seem to have a negative aspect on everything. I'm always thinking what if? Even when i know things are going well, i mess things up with saying what if this happens? What if that happens? This isn't a good way to think. No one should really be a pessimist, it makes life harder, you always worry about what's going to happen. Everyone should be optimistic.

Recently after my whole break up i have really had a bad way of seeing things. The pessimist in me just got worse and worse i just imagined all the things that could go wrong and what would happen if i saw him with somebody else. Suddenly it hit me... I'm young. I need to have fun, i needed to make a new start. I am now planning to be more optimistic because my saying at the moment is you never know what the future holds because it is true. You can't help what happens and you never know... you might end up better than what you were in the first place. Being optismitic really helps you get on with things and to get over people or things that have happened. I love the way i feel now. I feel good for once and the more and more that i think... the more i want to move on and get on with my life.

The next chapter.

I suppose you could say the worst is over. Broken hearts are healing, Smiles are arriving, Tears are drying and my friends are forever here. Going through a break up is tough but i really believe that all you need is your friends to help you along the way. Because of my friends i have been able to be happy and become myself again. My friends have been so amazing to me and have helped me so much. I love them all, i really do.

I am now starting a new chapter in my life. I am concentrating on my friends, college and health. I am currently trying to lose weight and eat more healthy. This has actually been making me feel so much more positive and happy about myself. I've always wanted to lose weight but i always had the problem with comfort eating but now, since the break up my apetite has been better so i don't eat too much. I would love to continue to lose weight so i feel so much better. I would love to join a gym but there isn't one close enough to me.

My college work is important to me now because i really want to be able to suceed. I am currently doing A2 in Graphics and ICT and i'm supposed to be doing Anthropology for AS because i dropped Art after the first year, but i currently have a clash in my timetable so i think i might need to change Anthropology which isn't good. I'm hoping to do well this year as i want to be able to keep my options open. I don't want to be stuck doing something i hate. I want choice and hopfeully choice is what i will get.

I must admit i have sometimes taken my friends for granted but now, i know how much they mean to me. I will never leave them out of my life ever again because they are my anti-depressant. They mean everything to me and i don't think i could live without them. They make me smile, laugh, feel so much better and just make my life so much better. I love them all and they will forever be in my life.

You never know what the future holds.

Well i've had a really rough week, but it can only make me stronger. A day after i wrote the blog about James... He left me. I've been devastated because i still really really like him, well love him more like, but all i'm trying to do now is stay strong and think that you never know what the future holds. It's true though. You don't. Life can surprise you. You can't predict what happens, who knows i could be back with him in the future or i could of found someone else.
The best thing is we are still friends. Just what i needed really because i didn't want him completely out of my life as he has been here so much for me and i depended on him a lot. I like knowing that he is okay and i also like seeing him even though it is hard because things are so different.
My friends have been amazing through this time. Hannah Williams, thank you so much for letting me staying over your house the other night when i really didn't want to go home alone. I had a really good night with you drinking and chatting to Alex on facebook whilst blazing out tunes haha. It was also nice to meet your sister and her boyfriend. They are lovely people just like you. Your bed is so comfy!! best night sleep i had in ages. Thank you so much for being here for me, you've been so nice to me and we shall have to do it again sometime. I will always be here for you like you have for me.
Erin Marie Crocker, you've been amazing to me. Thank you so much for letting me stay over the night James left me. You were so understanding and so lovely to me. You've taken good care of me. I loved staying up just talking about anything and everything, i havent spoken like that with someone for ages. I really enjoyed myself and it took my mind off my terrible evening. Was nice to be around a girl actually because i don't have many girl mates. I had a lovely time at yours and i hope we do that again soon. You should stay over mine soon. Thank you darling. I will always be here for you.
Kimberley Booth, I love you girl! I've known you for such a long time and i'm so thankful to have you as a friend. Thank you so much for being here for me. You say you're not good at giving advice but i think your advice really helped me darling. Even though we live like 2 houses away from each other we don't really spend as much time together as we used to and i miss the old times with you. We must see more of each other. I'm always here if you ever need me darling and you can talk to me or ask me anything. Your such a lovely girl and you're so smart too. I'm so jealous of you darling you're so gorgeous. Thank you so much darling.
Alex Sladden, you are so crazy, but so lovely. You've always been here for me since we got to college. Art and Graphics buddies. Well only graphics now as i have dropped art. I am going to miss not having you in 2 of my lessons. You're such a lovely boy. Oh and if i do grow old as a crazy cat woman, you are getting the cats in my will. You will have 100 new cats and you'll have to remember all of their names haha. You will love it. I will leave you a little bit of money too so you can handle the cats hehe. Enjoy them. I love our photos we have taken in graphics and i love how we used to show each other pictures on the Macs in graphics which was mainly me showing cats to you haha. This year i will make sure you sit next to me so it will be easier to show each other pictures and take photos when Isobel or Jack isn't looking haha. I'm always going to be here for you love. Thank you.
To everyone else, Thank you for helping me through these tough times and for giving me advice and taking my mind off things. You have all been amazing :)

I am completely in love with you!

I have the most amazing boyfriend ever! I've loved him ever since year 7 but didn't tell him until year 11. We finally got together on the 7th March 2010. It was the happiest day of my life so far. I couldn't stop smiling. Not even for one second. I was just so happy that finally we were together after liking him for so long.

We have had a rough relationship, people trying to break us up, getting involved and being complete assholes! But through all of that we are strong. We fought through it because we loved each other. Our relationship has been a little bit on and off throughout the really tough times, but we have always ended up back in each others arms each time.

I have so many memories of me and him that i never want to lose. I honestly love him with all my heart and to be honest i think i always will. He's been there fo

r me through so much. Through my mental illness and through my break downs he has been there and i thank him so

much! He means the world to me and if i ever lost him, it would break my heart in half. I depend on him. He is my guardian angel. He is everything

i ever wanted. He is perfect to me. I remember once when he went away on holiday to France, i missed him so much and 2 days before he was due back i left him a message saying that i miss him like crazy and that i want him home. Just after i sent that message i got a phone call from James saying 'Come outside my mum has something for you.' I was really scared that his mum was going to do something but instead i saw someone get out of the car... It was James! I was in tears! I was in so much shock. I cried for about an hour after because i was so happy that he was home with me. It was the best thing that had happened to me. I was so pleased to have him back in my arms.

I would do anything for him i really would. He means so much to me and i hope he does feel the same about me. He is the air i breath, the beat to my heart and the reason i smile. He k

nows how to make me smile.

He also likes to spoil me A LOT! He has bought me, all of desperate housewives, sex and the city, scrubs, 90210, the Saw films and so much more. These were for like birthdays, Christmas and a few surprise treats. I do tell him not to waste his money on me but men never listen.

I don't get to see my boyfriend much anymore as he has a new job at Poundland and works a lot of hours. I miss him when he's at work and all i want to do is go into poundland

and just walk up to him and kiss him. I love him so much and i need him to survive. He has my heart.

He means everything to me. I never ever want to lose him again because i need him. I need him to get through my illness, he has actually stayed with me through it all. I thank him so much for this!

You are my everything James and i love you so much with all my heart forever and ever. Never forget that and i will always be here for you. I am forever yours. My heart is forever yours James.