Hectic Friday!

Well yesterday was amusing i suppose haha. Lets start from the beginning...

Thursday i went over to a mates house and when we were messing around i banged my head really hard when i slumped down onto a chair. That night i found it really painful when i moved in my sleep and when i turned my head i would get sharp pains and the feeling like someone was kicking me in the head. I honestly thought nothing of it and just left it because it was clearly bruised.

Friday came along and my head was pretty sore. I had a small headache and felt a bit light headed, but i thought that it was because i had just got out of bed. I went over to my friends house again. Throughout the day my head got worse and worse. I felt weak and occasionally got a bit dizzy. When i was at the station that evening i stumbled a bit from my balance being off and a girl gave me a complete dirty stare, clearly thinking i was drunk! When i got off the train mum picked me up and i started crying as the pain had become unbearable. The pain was making me feel so sick, so she took me to Deal hospital. The nurse asked LOADS of questions and then checked my blood pressure which was raised and so was my tempreture. So the nurse had a feel of my head and neck and noticed i had some pain at the top of my spine. That was that.... I was rushed to a bed to lay myself on and put a neck brace on. I wasn't allowed to move at all. An ambulance had been rung to take me to Margate hospital. Because i wasn't their first priority i could of been waiting for 4 hours for the ambulance. About 2 hours went past of waiting with me strapped down to a table, mum and dad finally decided to take me in the car instead as i wasn't even on the waiting list for the ambulance yet. When i got up from the table i felt like i needed to collapse. I was so weak and my vision was blurry. It felt like i was drunk. My head was killing me and my neck now hurt from the stupid neck brace.

We arrived at Margate hospital where i had to wait another hour in a lot of pain. It was awful as a little boy kept running around laughing then crying and messing around with plug sockets. Then a guy accidentally dropped hot chocolate everywhere haha bless him.

When i was finally seen, i was checked over again and again and was explained that i had a mild concussion and whiplash! i was like oh dear haha. Now im basically relying on pain killers to get rid of the pain. My sister rang up saying 'What happened!?' I bet she was trying to diagnose me as she is training to be a nurse.

I'm so glad i am okay. I was really worried that there might of been something wrong with my spine. I'm feeling a lot better since yesterday but still a bit dizzy and still some bad headaches and neck pain. Things will get back to normal soon enough :)

Is change really that bad?

People say that change is the demon, but is it really? Change can mean many things. Maybe a new job or losing a job, perhaps a new relationship or a change in yourself or friends.

I admit some changes are for the worst, a partner leaving you or being diagnosed with an illness or a friend leaving your life. When i became ill with Depression i thought that it would be the worst thing that has happened to me, it has been horrible, but actually it has helped me in a lot of ways. I found out who my real friends are and i became so much closer to them. It has helped me try and fight for things that matter to me. Having depression has made me change so much. It's like i had to grow up quicker than everyone else. It changed me and some people didn't like the changes. Those people are no longer in my life. I am who i am and i can't help it if something like that changes me. It's bound to change anyone and their views on things. It's a hard thing to go through but i'm making my way there.

A change which has helped me a lot was when my boyfriend left me. That made me realise how much i depended on him. Now he is gone i have been able to become more independent. I do still rely on my friends a lot but that's only because they are like my anti-depressant. Life will get better for me. I just need to accept what i have and that my future will probably be amazing :)

Depression Takes Over

What is depression? Can you really call it an illness? Well everyone I know says it's a mental illness. I would of thought that it would be easy to get out of because it's all to do with your mental state of mind, but god was i wrong.

I got diagnosed with depression about 5 months ago. I thought to myself, 'oh well it will be gone soon enough'. I was completely wrong. I got put on anti-depressants (Citalapram) and the first month was the worst i had ever experienced. I got quite ill from the pills and had some side effects such as difficulties breathing and really high anxiety. They say that anti-depressants make you feel worse before you get better, that is completely true. I was down constantly and crying everyday. I didn't want to get out of bed at all, didn't want to move, didn't want to talk. All i wanted to do was curl up in my bed and never wake up. I thought to myself everyday, 'why the hell is this happening to me'.

A couple more months went past and i didn't seem to be getting any better. I had some counselling too which i got from college. The counselling was nice because i got to let everything out, but i never found out the reason for why i have become like this. When i went back to my doctors they decided to up my dosage from 10mg to 20mg. Once i started taking the higher dosage i started to get more side effects, i had some really bad skin problems where i would become so itchy that i would scratch so much that it would rip my skin off. I also still have a side effect which is where i over heat a lot and end up sweating when really it's cold. It's horrible, but i suppose i have to live with it at the moment.

I do feel a bit better than what i used to but i still feel empty, i still cry a lot and i still feel hopeless. I just want to get better because i want to get on with my life. I'm writing this blog because i want to come to terms with my illness. I still can't believe it happened to me. it makes me isolate myself from everyone else and sometimes makes me push people away when i really don't want to. I hate my breakdowns. They are the worst. Luckily recently i haven't had any bad breakdowns compared to my old ones where i would just scream and cry and feel so emotionless and empty.

I am really trying hard to overcome my depression but it is hard when i keep trying to fight it. It's hard to think positive and hard to motivate yourself. My grades suffered last year because of my depression and that is no excuse.

Now all i want to do is get better and get on with my life. And hopefully soon i will be able to do that. I am getting more counselling soon and have loads of my friends who have supported me and been by my side the whole time. I thank them so much. It has been a tough year for me, but i really hope it gets better from now on :)