Depression Takes Over

What is depression? Can you really call it an illness? Well everyone I know says it's a mental illness. I would of thought that it would be easy to get out of because it's all to do with your mental state of mind, but god was i wrong.

I got diagnosed with depression about 5 months ago. I thought to myself, 'oh well it will be gone soon enough'. I was completely wrong. I got put on anti-depressants (Citalapram) and the first month was the worst i had ever experienced. I got quite ill from the pills and had some side effects such as difficulties breathing and really high anxiety. They say that anti-depressants make you feel worse before you get better, that is completely true. I was down constantly and crying everyday. I didn't want to get out of bed at all, didn't want to move, didn't want to talk. All i wanted to do was curl up in my bed and never wake up. I thought to myself everyday, 'why the hell is this happening to me'.

A couple more months went past and i didn't seem to be getting any better. I had some counselling too which i got from college. The counselling was nice because i got to let everything out, but i never found out the reason for why i have become like this. When i went back to my doctors they decided to up my dosage from 10mg to 20mg. Once i started taking the higher dosage i started to get more side effects, i had some really bad skin problems where i would become so itchy that i would scratch so much that it would rip my skin off. I also still have a side effect which is where i over heat a lot and end up sweating when really it's cold. It's horrible, but i suppose i have to live with it at the moment.

I do feel a bit better than what i used to but i still feel empty, i still cry a lot and i still feel hopeless. I just want to get better because i want to get on with my life. I'm writing this blog because i want to come to terms with my illness. I still can't believe it happened to me. it makes me isolate myself from everyone else and sometimes makes me push people away when i really don't want to. I hate my breakdowns. They are the worst. Luckily recently i haven't had any bad breakdowns compared to my old ones where i would just scream and cry and feel so emotionless and empty.

I am really trying hard to overcome my depression but it is hard when i keep trying to fight it. It's hard to think positive and hard to motivate yourself. My grades suffered last year because of my depression and that is no excuse.

Now all i want to do is get better and get on with my life. And hopefully soon i will be able to do that. I am getting more counselling soon and have loads of my friends who have supported me and been by my side the whole time. I thank them so much. It has been a tough year for me, but i really hope it gets better from now on :)